An Unexpected Journey

So, I guess it is time to start a new journey, a path that I had forbidden myself from taking. In all actuality, what seems like two separate factors, overcoming decades of an eating disorder and forgiving myself are genuinely one venture that coincides. To overcome the first, I must let God lead me through the latter. I asked God how, how am I to let myself off the hook so easy? In this, He reminds me that in my heart I may condemn myself, but He is greater than my heart (I John 3:20) and He does not handle me according to my shortcomings (Psalm 103:10), but according to His all-sufficient grace (II Corinthians 12:9). Nevertheless, I am still struggling, is this not betrayal to the ones on this earth who I was given to protect, yet instead, I contributed to their pains and struggles? I am sincerely in tears once again, it seems to be a constant in journeys such as this, yet it is not my own pain but the pain of others that I did not prevent that leaves me struggling to take even one tiny baby step forward.

Consequently, as I begin this journey, there are Scriptures that I must learn to embrace, words that are true, although, I have not allowed myself to apply them as I have wallowed in self-condemnation. Romas 8:1 reminds us that there is no condemnation for one in Christ, this is a verse I have declared to others as they have faced the attacks of others, I have even proclaimed it when people have thrown my failures in my face, yet, I was/am not applying it when I self-evaluate. Therefore, tonight, I pray that the Lord will lead me down this path and that as I share it with my Substack family, it will not only be a blessing to me and my gifts (aka my young adult children) but will also be beneficial for others, that they too may recognize their need to forgive self. As humans, forgiveness can be a topic that stirs emotions, triggers confusion, and leaves our hearts heavily burdened. Yet it is not a concept that we can merely overlook, especially given that our very salvation is dependent upon forgiveness (I John 1:9).

As a small child, I recall the Lord’s Prayer hanging on the dining room wall in my grandparents’ home, it was on a wooden plaque with a gold-plated center, word for word it was carved. No matter where they moved, I knew it would hang in their dining room, and it did until they both passed away. As I was learning to read, I would stand in front of this plaque and sound out each word and in this, it was being etched on the tablet of my heart. I do not think any of the adults around were even aware of my activity, but I was drawn to this Scripture, even though I did not yet understand the depth of the words. I had not yet come to an understanding of the blessing that was present in His forgiveness that covered it all (Psalm 32:1).

As I type this, I consider “And forgive us our debts, as we forgive our debtors” (Matthew 6:12), these words had one meaning to me throughout my entire life, up until this very moment. Honestly, I wanted God to forgive me, and this required that I forgive others, but clearly, I was not one of the others I was called to forgive or so I thought. Well, clearly, I was VERY WRONG! As I think deeper on the matter, I guess it should have been easy to recognize that forgiving myself was not something that I had done or have done, which would explain why even still, I will find myself listing out every wrong I can think of and pleading with the Lord to forgive me, even though I have brought these things before Him many a times before. In this, it is evident that I struggle to accept that words of Psalm 103:12, given to remind us that our transgressions are far removed from us, and that what was like scarlet, has been made as white as the snow (Isaiah 1:18).

I recall at various points in life, struggling with feeling forgiven, and in this the Lord has provided words that flowed through my mind. I believe in part that I have yet to fully understand and embrace what He spoke to my heart, let alone what He placed in His Word, such as Hebrews 8:12 which assures me that He no longer remembers my sins. He has expressed to me many times that I was/am forgiven and allowed these words to come through in poems, such as these that follow. “Thus, in all you sweet child do, Remember in Him you are eternally free, He hath.

provided thee with strength and might, called thy name, Blameless and Forgiven, He has equipped thee for thy battles fight.” And then in another poem, “Let go of the judgement of humankind, And of His sacrifice may you He remind, For He forgives your every sin, He defined you both now and then.” You see, as I did a simple word search in my own writing files, I found not one or two, but many times that were similar to these. His forgiveness is not a new concept for me; it is just one I have struggled to offer myself as freely as He. I have read through many of my poems and short essays and forgiveness is reflected so often, including, “His abundant grace saw me through the darkest moments, gave me strength to continue on, and allowed me salvation through forgiveness of my many sins,” And lastly, this poem was written in October 2025; little did I know the depth it would hold just a few months later:

I cannot undo the past,

In my power its damage cannot be rewound,

Yet because of His stripes, hope is still found.

To pretend it no longer exists,

Will not take it away,

Especially when my heart cannot unhear all that people say,

From the depths of my soul

Old wounds that seemed to have healed,

Are by their words suddenly revealed,

And in this the Lord reminds me,

Child, the scars that remain will one day be no longer,

But these stripes that are on me proved my love was stronger,

So, look at each mark,

When you see them, you must recall,

Although scathed when you did fall,

I was there to catch you,

I cradled you in my arms,

And sought to heal the ways in which you were harmed,

So, yes, others may reclaim the damage done,

But by my shed blood, you are forgiven,

This you can know for sure, and for me continue living.

~Naomi

As I continue to ponder this topic and reflect upon the words others have expressed as this journey begins, I am reminded that He did not die on the cross so that I could forgive others, He died so that I could be forgiven, fully, not solely by Him but that I could receive this gift at such a depth that I forgave myself. Ephesians 1:7 is a reminder of this truth, “In Him we have redemption through His blood, the forgiveness of sins, in accordance with the riches of God’s grace.” As a writer these thoughts have been recorded on paper but getting them to sink into my heart and mind has been a great struggle. Forgiving others was essential but self, well, it is self that I have sabotaged for decades, it is self that I have punished. Serving, loving, forgiving, sacrificing for others has come as second nature, being the one to say “yes” when I knew there was nothing left in me was easier than disappointing those who sought my help in one way or another. However, now I am left to wonder, was this to bless others or was it a way of punishing myself for not living up to the standards that I believed I should have.

I tell people who apologize for a shortcoming on almost a daily basis, “it’s okay, you cannot be perfect, you are merely a human,” (Romans 3:23) but the standard I hold myself to is perfection, which leaves me in a constant state of disappointment and displeasure with self. I have drafted essays that have journeyed through the path of forgiveness but never have sincerely forgiven me. I have written about grace but am left to question if I had missed that the fact that these words were applicable to self, not just others (II Corinthians 12:9). In this moment, it seems like the greatest but most trying call the Lord could place upon my path, one that not only tests my strength but my faith, is determining if I can lean on Him so closely that what is at the root of the darkness that plaques my dreamworld can truly be released to Him?

Let me give you a glimpse into this darkness. As a child many dreams were reoccurring, I can still recall them as though watching a movie. These dreams go back over four decades, and the themes remained much the same as time went on. As a child, in my dreams I often found myself trapped while the rest of my family continued on their path without me, I could have escaped, but to do so would have required one of the others to remain behind. As I moved into my teens, I would see chaos and attempt to flee, often with the ability to leap and fly just to the tips of trees and I would take the hand of a sibling to bring them with me. As I moved into adulthood, the dreams became a bit more painful, as I would sacrifice myself in one way or another to keep my children from harm. In my dreams I would allow the evils to be done to me so that my children could escape. Such patterns are still present in my nightly dreams, these are what cause me to awaken frequently throughout the night, gasping for air, and praying for protection over my family. It seems as though it is not just in my reality, but that of my dreams that I hold myself accountable for the security of others, even beyond that which I can control.

So, as I type, I ask myself, why is self-forgiveness so hard? And the answer is fairly evident, I made it my responsibility to protect and serve others, yet I punish myself because it was not within my power to do so. Reliance on God would have proved more productive (Proverbs 3:5), yet, I had determined from an early age that He created me to take the brunt of the pains, so that others would not have to endure them at the same depth. I knew and know that the Bible says that this was the role of Christ (Matthew 11:28), He came as the sacrifice, He came for salvation of His children, He alone, thus, I have been attempting to do that which was His to do. It was not I who bore the price of the sins of others, it is not I who was pierced for transgressions, I bore not the iniquities of others, I did not endure the punishment, nor did I heal the wounds of His children (Isaiah 53:5), therefore, it is not by burden to carry. Instead, today is the day that I must willingly allow Him to bind my wounds (Psalm 147:3), casting my anxieties at His feet (I Peter 5:7), and being set free by the Son (John 8:36). In this moment, I will choose to know that it is the Lord who desires to remain close to my broken, crushed spirit (Psalm 34:18).